101 Funny Quotes That Will Make You LOL!
Welcome to the ultimate collection of 101 Funny Quotes that will tickle your funny bone and brighten your day! Whether you’re in need of a giggle, a chuckle, or a full-blown belly laugh, these quotes are guaranteed to deliver. So grab your favorite snack, sit back, and prepare to laugh out loud!
1. Mitch Hedberg
“I’m sick of following my dreams man, I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with Ben later.”
2. Peter Sellers
“Two Gentlemen you can’t fight in here this is the War Room.”
3. Betty White
“My mother always used to say the older you get the better you get unless you’re a banana.”
4. David Letterman
“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season that’s for women; the beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”
5. Jack Handy
“Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes that way when you criticize them you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
6. Office Space
“Bob looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.” “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it.”
7. Mark Twain
“Clothes make the man; naked people have little or no influence in society.”
8. Will Ferrell
“Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
9. Rita Rudner
“I love being married; it’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
10. Bill Murray
“Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you but I’m not going to.”
11. Irma Bombeck
“When your mother asks do you want a piece of advice it is a mere formality it doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no you’re going to get it anyway.”
12. Phyllis Diller
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford; then I want to move in with them.”
13. Ellen DeGeneres
“Never follow anyone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path; then by all means follow that path.”
14. Anonymous
“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to fall asleep right now.”
15. Jerry Seinfeld
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine; you can’t do it in one push you got to rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.”
16. Michael Scott
“I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.”
17. Anonymous
“I walk around like everything’s fine but deep down inside my shoe my sock is sliding off.”
18. Rodney Dangerfield
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years; I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
19. Les Dawson
“I used to sell furniture for a living; the trouble was it was my own.”
20. Graham Chapman
“There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”
21. Steven Wright
“Someone asked me if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring? How to build a boat.”
22. Leslie Nielsen
“Surely you can’t be serious?” “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”
23. Mindy Kaling
“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”
24. Joan Rivers
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.”
25. Lieutenant Frank Drebin
“Truth hurts; maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
26. Bobby Boucher
“My mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”
27. Jimmy Kimmel
“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”
28. Paul Rudd
“Marriage is like an unfunny tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond; but it doesn’t last 22 minutes, it lasts forever.”
29. Anonymous
“Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce; either everyone suddenly loves grapes in a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”
30. Jim Parsons
“I’m not insane; my mother had me tested.”
31. Goldie Hawn
“There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.”
32. William Shatner
“Usher, bride or groom? It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither.”
33. Stan Fields
“Cheryl, that’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25th, because it’s not too hot and not too cold; all you need is a light jacket.”
34. Jerry Seinfeld
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person; number two was death.”
35. Lucille Ball
“Lucy, there’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.” “Fred, your feet.”
36. Anonymous
“Common sense is like deodorant; the people who need it most never use it.”
37. Norm
“Coach, a beer sound?” “Norm, I don’t know; I usually finish before they get a word in.”
38. Chevy Chase
“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet I wouldn’t be more surprised.”
39. Maggie Smith
“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like; avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”
40. Jim Carrey
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
41. Olivia Dukakis
“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”
42. Anonymous
“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”
43. Graham Norton
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
44. Matthew Perry
“I’m not good at the advice; can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
45. George Carlin
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid, and the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
46. Larry David
“When I’m in social situations I always hold on to my glass; it makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”
47. Sir Norman Wisdom
“As you get older, three things happen; the first is your memory goes and I can’t remember the other two.”
48. Rachel Brosnahan
“That’s why New York is so great though; everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good nothing else matters.”
49. Adam Gropman
“Here’s some advice at a job interview: tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent unless the job is a statistician.”
50. Neil deGrasse Tyson
“Does it disturb anyone else that the Los Angeles Angels baseball team translates directly to the angels angels?”
51. Groucho Marx
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
52. Jay Leno
“Here’s something to think about: how come you never see a headline like psychic wins Lottery?”
53. Steve Martin
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
54. Dave Barry
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start; so far I finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
55. Frank Semion
“Never do anything out of hunger, not even eating.”
56. Andrea Martin
“What do you mean he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, I make lamb.”
57. George Burns
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
58. Jamie Lee Curtis
“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.”
59. Anna Faris
“Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one Mahi because I’m not that hungry?”
60. Ellen DeGeneres
“Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.”
61. Peter Sellers
“Francois, do you know what kind of a bomb it was? Clue: so the exploding kind.”
62. Tina Fey
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
63. Anonymous
“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: irrelevant.”
64. Robin Williams
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
65. Ellen DeGeneres
“I remember it like it was yesterday; of course I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.”
66. Bill Murray
“I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”
67. Jeff Daniels
“Police officer: Pull over! Harry: No, it’s a cardigan but thanks for noticing.”
68. Bob Hope
“I grew up with six brothers; that’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.”
69. Tina Fey
“If we’re going to pay this much for crab it better sing and dance and introduce us to The Little Mermaid.”
70. Anonymous
“I prefer not to think before speaking; I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”
71. Mark Twain
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”
72. Grumpy Cat
“Woke up today… it was terrible.”
73. Anonymous
“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet; if you don’t like the taste just add cocoa flour, sugar, butter, baking powder, and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”
74. Shaquille O’Neal
“I can’t end my messages with Love Shack because the B-52s ruined that for me.”
75. Mia Farrow
“My husband and I fell in love at first sight; maybe I should have taken a second look.”
76. Irma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare; they are consumed in 12 minutes. Halftime takes 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.”
77. Carrie Grant
“Insanity runs in my family; it practically gallops.”
78. Graham Chapman
“Brian, look, you’ve got it all wrong; you don’t need to follow me, you don’t need to follow anybody, you’ve got to think for yourselves.”
79. Maya Rudolph
“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”
80. Oscar Wilde
“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.”
81. Billy Crystal
“What they could do to make it easier is combine the two: real estate and obituaries.”
82. Matthew Broderick
“The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands; it’s a good non-specific symptom.”
83. Sarah Jessica Parker
“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.”
84. Anonymous
“Cow, you are really pushing my buttons today.”
85. Anonymous
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
86. Betty White
“People say, but Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends; well, at my age if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.”
87. Maria Bamford
“My therapist says I’m afraid of success; I guess I could understand that because after all fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.”
88. Jared Kins
“From the ages of 8 to 18 me and my family moved around a lot; mostly we would just stretch but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
89. Dorothy Parker
“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”
90. Joe Fox
“The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee.”
91. Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard.”
92. Anonymous
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply; eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7am while in track pants, nobody cares.”
93. Groucho Marx
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
94. Emily Charlton
“I’m one stomach flew away from my goal weight.”
95. Shonda Rhimes
“My perfect beautiful miracle baby never slept; twelve years later the memories of those nights of that sleep deprivation still make me rock back and forth a little bit.”
96. Damian Fahi
“I’d like to have a kid but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
97. Anonymous
“Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes.”
98. Jack Whitehall
“I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us; he’s not dead just very condescending.”
99. Noel Coward
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
100. Homer Simpson
“Trying is the first step toward failure.”
101. Zach Galifianakis
“I have a lot of growing up to do; I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
There you have it, folks! 101 Funny Quotes that are sure to bring a smile to your face. Remember, laughter is the best medicine, so don’t forget to share these quotes with your friends and family! For more laughs and fun, check out ContentVibee.
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